Holy shit! The Hammacher Schlemmer  “gift supplement” 2011 catalog is here. Time to see what’s the best, the genuine, the only, and the world’s greatest shit that you can’t afford or have no use for.

·         First up, The Fingerprint recognizing Espresso machine. What the…are you serious? An espresso machine, with fingerprint recognition, is a justifiable expense because you don’t want piss in your coffee. If you have a machine like this, you disserve it. $3,200

·         I want, The Best Star Projector, because looking up at the night sky is ridiculous. You want this $149.95 piece of shit because, you’re American and you if you want the stars in your house, you get the stars in your house. So go ahead. Put on some Floyd, get your vaporizer going and shine on you crazy diamond.

·         Not part of the QUAD of COSUME, but I have to mention The LED Matrix Watch. I’m sure geeks and intellects alike will and already love this thing. I would consider myself a geek, but I have a hard enough time looking at a regular watch. I would just stare at this thing and just use it as a light when I take out my keys at night. Best use of the time ever.  $129.95

·         (REPEAT OFFENDER) I want “The WORLD’S Lightest Impervious Luggage” because no matter how big or small, I’m still going to pay out of my ass to get it lost in transit after 2 plane transfers and a happy ending from the TSA. Up to $199.95

·         I want, The Best Heated Blanket. Honestly this does sound awesome. Lately on the news there have been many people on the East coast that have been reavaged by nature and have no heat. With this they can get warm…oh wait; you need to plug it in. Nope. No mi gusta.  $99.95 – $219.95

·         I want, The Best Heated Socks, because I’m a hardcore motherfucker who wears sandals in the winter. $199.95

·         (REPEAT OFFENDER) I want “The WORLD’S BEST Prelit Fraser Fir”. Whoa. What the fuck. Not only is this in the world category, it’s also the best. I want to lug an 88 pound electric Christmas tree out every year to crowd my wall outlet and set my cats on fire. And it dispenses tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Yes, PLEASE! $999.95+

Whoa, that’s it? Nothing new in the QUAD of CONSUME? Everything else is regularly titled and actually pretty awesome. It’s a magazine for rich people who love to hoard things they will never use. People who come from nothing tend to appreciate what they have and not waste their time on some things.

But if you want some of this shit, circle what you want and give it to an old person. They’ll get it for you. I guarantee it.